A Beginning

My name is Sophie, and I am where I am today thanks to my complicated family dynamics. My mother was a narcissist and my father was an enabler. Although I have escaped from my situation and I'm in a better place, I still struggle with feelings of guilt, of anxiety and of depression. The guilt of escaping a toxic situation haunts me every day, no matter the reasoning, no matter the facts that point out that I would have been emotionally destroyed if I'd stayed. The feelings of anxiety, of waiting for an invisible hand to crush me wavers over my psyche all the time, although the sensation lessens the more and more, as no one is yelling at me, pulling my hair, or degrading every part of my personality anymore. The lingering depression stems from knowing that my whole life was a lie; my parents, who were supposed to be the pillars of the family, turned out to be my worst nightmare. I've been called a bitch, a manipulator, a crazy liar,  a weak person,  an unscrupulous mentally ill person by my own parents. I've been confined forcibly in the house even after I was over 18 years of age many times, by my parents. I've had my own therapist making me feel bad for "disrespecting" my parents after one too many group sessions with my mother. All this hell hole was an abomination behind closed doors, a grotesque pantomime occurring in the shadows of emotional intimacy. To the outside world, I had every physical comfort a kid could ask for: I had a house, I had toys, I had an education, we went on fancy trips every so often. My mom loved to tell people how awesome I was, how proud she was of me. And there lies the poison of the invisible torture that is narcissism. It is hard to believe a victim of narcissism when there is nothing seemingly wrong on the surface. Often, victims don't think they're victims, they are led to believe, as my mom enjoyed telling me, that all the pain and sorrow we receive is purely our fault. So a life-long feeling of guilt starts and so when people ask "Are you ok"? You lie and preserve the family image. "Everything is fine.".....

I am still healing, but I have come a long way. But there are many children and adult children out there, who are stuck with narcissistic parents, or have had to cut them out of their lives completely. Narcissism is all too widespread, and yet, it is an issue that has only recently started to receive attention. The purpose of this blog is to spread awareness about narcissistic parents in particular, and to help those of us who need to heal. Know this..... You are never alone.  Narcissism only has power when it is working silently. Be aware, denounce it, and move on! This blog will help with defining this complicated personality disorder and how to defend oneself against it. It is also a place to talk about your experiences and creating a community of communication and safety.